Britishisation: part 1. Sweets.

The other day I was standing in Tesco with a friend, staring at cream slices with yellow stickers on them, when she said: “Hunting for yellow labels is very British. And it’s true — you feel like you’ve won a small lottery. Nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s raining, there’s no inspiration, and I don’t have the energy to write about anything lofty today. So instead, let’s talk about sweets. Or rather — food culture.
What do people actually eat in the UK?

Colin the Caterpillar
A chocolate Swiss roll shaped like a caterpillar. Looks worse than it tastes, but it’s perfectly fine. There’s a whole mythology around Colin: no office birthday happens without him, he has a girlfriend called Connie, and M&S even has a dedicated webpage for the entire caterpillar family. The default option when you don’t want to think about cake.
7/10

Percy Pig
Iconic gummy sweets shaped like a pig. Percy has an entire universe: a partner, friends, fizzy versions, gummy bears, and even a line for vegans. Not haute cuisine, but a very decent snack if you’ve had a long day and accidentally found yourself near the M&S checkout.
6/10

Shortbread
The reason I gained 5 kilos after moving to the UK. Buttery, crumbly, impossible to stop eating. Cheap, everywhere, perfect with tea — especially Earl Grey with milk. A packet can disappear in one evening without you noticing.
10/10

Scones with clotted cream and jam
The second reason for those extra 5 kilos. I put clotted cream first, then jam — I genuinely don’t understand why anyone would do it the other way around. One of the best flavour combinations on earth. Even a mediocre bakery version will do. I could eat them daily, but my metabolism has other opinion.
11/10

Victoria Sponge
A sponge cake named after Queen Victoria. Jam, cream, sponge. Entirely average. Often appears as part of Afternoon Tea. You never crave it, but when it’s there, you eat it.
3/10

English Tea Cakes
Soft chocolate-covered cakes with marshmallow inside, sometimes with jam. Cost just over £1. A luxury version of a supermarket childhood treat.
8/10

Fudge
Dense, soft, almost sherbet-like. Vanilla, toffee, nuts, sea salt — entire shops across Britain sell only fudge. You eat it straight from the counter, cut into cubes. Your teeth will stick together 100%.
6/10

Mince Pie
Small pies that appear the moment Christmas sweets arrive — meaning September. Shortcrust pastry outside, dried fruit, spices, sometimes rum inside. Looks like a souvenir, eaten in two bites. Often dry.
5/10

Trifle
A layered dessert: sponge, jelly, custard, fruit, cream. Everything is separate, then mercilessly combined in a bowl. Somehow always served at British celebrations. You don’t want it, truly.
2/10

And finally, Marmite.

Not a sweet, but impossible to ignore. A yeast spread eaten on toast with butter. A strictly binary experience: you either love it or it makes you feel unwell. I feel unwell.

That’s where we are.
Send this Substack to your friend if you keep Percy Pig in your desk drawer too!

Opinions and additions welcome.